Wakey wakey

So Aston Villa have just paid lots of money for a striker in his prime.  The footballing world, including not least many Villa fans, have been completely blindsided by this move.  In the mainstream media people are saying, "What, Villa?" Villa have bid £24m for Darren Bent?  VILLA? Villa buy bargains. Villa take punts on lower league players. Villa sell their best players and look for value.

The fans don't know what to make of it either: Is it too much? Should the money have been given to MON to spend? We could have bought X for that. Obviously this means we must be selling Y and Z.

Here's my take. Villa have woken up to what was missing. No fucking about with 'value for money'. No 'sounding out'. This is a very aggressive move and if there's one word that has not been associated with Villa for at least 50 years it's 'aggressive'. Not on the pitch, not in the transfer market and not in the boardroom. Villa have been too nice, to sensible for too long. Think of how it will affect the players. The expectation has finally been set that the players are there to win, and if they don't win then they have failed in their duty.

So, the impact that Darren Bent will come in the goals that he scores, but more imperceptibly on the other players that the time for talk and being nice is over; you are now playing for a team that EXPECTS you to win.

August Break

What have I done?  I've joined a thing where I have to do stuff EVERY DAY.  It's only taking one picture per day for a month, but for me that's a huge commitment.  Additionally I have no photography skills whatsoever.  Actually, not true.  I think you're not supposed to shoot into the sun.  So there you go, I do have some knowledge.

Wish me luck...

Does anyone like John Terry?

A man, a footballer, the Chelsea and England captain no less.  He is respected for his footballing and feared for his attitude on the pitch.  He is clearly a leader: the various coaches under whom he has worked have recognised this and consistently given him the captain's armband.  At Chelsea he is known, and likes to be known, as a fixer:  any problems you have, go to JT and he'll sort it.  He has the respect of his work colleagues.  A role model certainly.  A good role model?  Doubtful.

What I'm wondering here is...  Does anybody actually like him?  He comes across a man utterly without humility.  Tales in the press and from people I know who've met him in various situations lead me to feel nothing but revulsion towards him.  He parks in a disabled bay in his Bentley and when asked to move it comes out with the immortal line of, "Don't you know who I am?"  A friend walking past a nightclub in London manages to be in the right place to catch a drunken girl falling into the road, but then gets accosted by one of her party for 'trying it on'.  Terry again.  Caught by a newspaper sting selling access to Chelsea Football Club's training facilities, without the club's knowledge and against their rules.  Our role model and team captain John Terry.

And today the latest allegation, about a situation where 'a married player' had an affair with a team-mate's partner, with said team mate ending up eventually leaving the club.  I say 'a married player' because the situation is the subject of a super injunction preventing any reporting not only of the situation, but also of the existence of the injunction.  Just to clear things up, it's John Terry.  Sue me.  Please.  I have no money and own absolutely nothing.  Please sue me.  So obviously the woman in question liked him, to engage in an extra marital affair with one of the country's highest profile footballers?  You know, I'm not so sure.  Flattered by the attention from someone so powerful?  Absolutely.  Seduced by the excitement of the affair?  I suspect so, with it being John Terry that would ramp up the risk/consequences of being found out and therefore the excitement.  I really do wonder if she actually liked him though?  Now, in the cold light of day looking back I wonder how she feels about him.

So John, do you have any friends or only acquaintances?  How many of these people around you actually like you?  How many will still be with you when you're found out in public I wonder?

Gullible - adjective

I wandered in to a cafe type place a couple of weeks ago looking for some lunch. It was one of those organic places (very white and middle class) that will do "ethically sourced herb encrusted tofu, with organic chilli and lemon marinaded sunblushed peppers on organic stone ground sesame and pumpkin seeded wholemeal unbleached sourdough ciabatta" For 8 quid. Incidentally, the menu was artfully handwritten on a blackboard behind the counter in 'mood board' style, rather than in rows or any kind of order to ease readability. Nowhere did it mention the word 'sandwich'. Anyway, I looked around me at the (white middle class) clientele: they all looked like they'd stepped straight off a T-Mobile advert, the guys with their facial hair manicured to look scruffy, skinny jeans and plaid shirts, the girls with their... Need I go on? I'm sure you get the picture. Some were 'working' on their laptops with their overpriced sandwich and their skinny fucking latte next to them. Every single one of these fuckers had some kind of Apple Mac. It seems to me that these people exist to show others the meaning of gullible: they are SO easy to market to and they have more money than sense.

Disclaimer: There are many lovely, well adjusted people who own Apple Macs and use them in their work; arty types in the main, people who create loveliness all around us. If you're one of these people, please understand that I'm not talking about you. You get a big thumbs up from me. Unfortunately, for every one of you there are ten more cretins around to give you a bad name.

The hat made me do it.

Well, I guess I've always wondered how a restaurant critic would view his life. I mean, say, compared to a doctor or a conservationist, or a teacher; how can one go on from day to day pretending your life is in any way meaningful, when your job is to nitpick food preparation and presentation, in the full knowledge that half the world would be grateful for just SOMETHING to eat, anything. Yet here he is complaining that his fois gras was a little too mealy, or the mix of fresh ingredients in his compote au bollocks had slightly too much cardamom. Perhaps his Chablis was slightly too acidic. If that was me I don't think I'd wait for the revolution. I'd be hanging around on the streets of Hackney at 3am insulting the crack dealers, just to get it over with quickly. In many ways my life is pretty meaningless at the moment, but at least I do nothing at all during the day. Gill's job renders his life even more meaningless than mine: to put that much time and effort into something so steeped in hubris, so detached from reality... How does he do it and have a heart and a healthy moral compass?

Today we have our answer. He has no heart. He has no moral compass. He proudly writes about shooting a baboon, Yeah, why not? To shoot a baboon or not to shoot a baboon? Well, that's a discussion I'll leave to others. Incidentally, he thought it was because he was wearing a hunter's hat that he wanted to do it. What strikes me really though, is not his attempt to shift the blame to the milliner, but really, how far divorced from reality do you have to be to think that writing about it in your restaurant review column is a good idea? Writing, and writing proudly. He would have run it past his moral compass, but, of course, not having one he fell back on the old "Gilly knows best" routine. Why didn't he blow up a few aid trucks whilst he was at it and blame it on high jinks? Maybe order the most expensive food he could find in Africa, walk past all the slums and then pour it into the sea, all because a fuzzy wuzzy didn't show him due deference? Then he could tell us all about it in his column. Come on Gilly, that would be BRILLIANT.

Wanting

I don't really want much. You know, on a day to day basis. In the same way that whilst many may idly dream about Ferraris, private jets, being rock stars, living in mansions, we don't get frustrated and angry that we can't have these things. We have our own level of 'reasonableness'; the point (working downwards) where things stop becoming idle fantasies and we treat them more as realistic goals.  A career?  Marriage?  Children?  I just feel that my own level is so low at the moment, there is nothing I want.

I wrote that first paragraph this afternoon, then, lost for ways to articulate what I was feeling, drifted off to procrastinate elsewhere. It's now 10pm and I've just finished watching "The Real Cabaret" on BBC4. It featured the actor Alan Cumming visiting Berlin to see what survives today of the rebellious decadent spirit of Weimar era cabaret. In the programme he interviewed some of the surviving cabaret artists about their experiences, many of them Jews who had survived the camps. One recalls how the Nazis got them to make a propaganda film about life in the camps to show to the Red Cross; music, smiling, laughing and dancing. Alan Cumming asked the man how he felt about, in so many ways, playing along for the Nazis. He replied that life was so terrible, the future so bleak that you just lived for the moment; the opportunity to play and hear music was something that just couldn't be passed up, for there may well be no tomorrow.

I felt instantly that I knew how he had been feeling at that time, that I understood. This turning off of hope, aspiration and ambition; for him because of the reality that it may well be his last day on Earth, for me because I just can't see myself succeeding at anything ever; I feel incapable of anything but the simplest of tasks, and often even they are beyond me. I simply don't try to push myself, I feel like right now I can't handle the pain of any more disappointment, so the way to cope is to set aside my emotions, my hope and go from day to day feeling neither sadness nor joy, no desire, until I feel strong enough to test my resolve and abilities once more.

Cobwebs

Haven't posted anything here for so long; this I think is a metaphor for my life. I resist doing stuff until I'm 100% convinced it's exactly what I want to do, which invariably means doing 4/5ths of 3/8ths of fuck all. On the occasions when I damn the torpedoes of indecision and just write/do stuff I generally find it rather satisfying. Quickly followed by 'you should do that more often' kind of thoughts.

So, my intention was to come here and merely blow away the cobwebs and show my blog some love, but then I go and start being all thoughtful and shit. Fuck this, I'm off to do nothing again.

Vision

I can see! I don't wear glasses, although all my family do, in various forms and levels of need, yet I still struggle with my vision. Rather than plan ahead, I find myself wanting to deal with things right in front of my nose. I'm aware of it and I deal with it, better and better as the years tick on, but I feel frustrated with other people that don't deal with it. I guess it boils down to the difference between 'want' and 'ought' or 'need'. I 'want' to eat loads of cake, but I 'need' to lower my cholesterol and/or lose weight. I 'want' those shoes, but I 'need' to save money to get my car fixed. Or maybe a lack of vision based on physical, rather than temporal, proximity. "I'll help out local people, but those darned city types/country folk/northerners/southerners/foreigners can go look after themselves." Can't you buggers see that people everywhere need help, and they all deserve equal treatment?

I have, in my time written more coherently, but I did this quickly and my eyes are streaming and sore, my nose is running and I keep sneezing, and all this despite the antihisthamines. So I'm not at my best. Please forgive me.

Powerful

Another Sunday Scribblings post. I've never felt the desire to be powerful, maybe because I'm a British bloke and we take a certain amount of power for granted; around the world emasculated groups (essentially anyone who is not white, male, christian, middle class, straight and vaguely 'western') on the other hand are more interested in the concept of power, as it is something that they have to struggle with every day in our global society. I remember years ago in South Africa hearing the anti-Apartheid protesters singing 'Amandla', which, apparently doesn't mean 'freedom' interestingly enough, it means 'power'.

So those who don't have power, well I wouldn't necessarily say they 'crave' it, but it would seem to be a nagging itch that could be seen as a panacea; if only I had the power to change my world, what a wonderful world it would be. Well, from one white westerner to, well, whatever form you come in, it doesn't really help. It just means you have more responsibility, more decisions to make and more people to disappoint. It weighs heavily...

Hi, my name is...

Hi, I'm four. This was the first thing that Eric ever said to me. To be fair to him, he was four. I was six I think. It was one of those long hot summers of the seventies. We were doing this amazing trip across the states visiting my mum's friends and we'd got to Liz and Paul's in Minneapolis. He also had a one year old baby sister called Maija. I always remember thinking it was a really cool name, because there was this exotic alien on Space 1999 called Maija. She was only one though, so it was difficult to tell exactly how exotic she was. So in the week or so that we stayed there, my brother and I and Eric became firm friends.

Fast forward to 2004 and Eric is ill. Basically he had a tumour that was slowly eating his face away. All the staff in the hospital loved him because he refused to be a miserable bastard. And he died. It was a week before his 34th birthday. He was obviously not entirely thrilled about dying, but his main concern was for his family and the pain they were going through.

Liz was in a job she loved and suddenly found herself fired with no explanation. This happened just after Eric died. Then Paul was diagnosed with the early stages of Alzheimer's. One has to wonder what the family had done to deserve all this?

And now I find myself in receipt of another message from the States and I hardly dare read it. I know no more details other than Maija has died. 34 years old. I don't know how and it's completely out of the blue.

When I think about Liz and Paul and their family I get so angry that life can be so unfair, and find myself wondering how does anyone cope with so much tragedy? No one should have to bury their child, but how does one reconcile all this? Well it takes time. Grief and loss are healed with time, but one also needs a little introspection to try and step back a little and look at their whole life. I'm sure Eric and Maija are up there now looking down on those who knew them thinking, "Wow, we were loved! But we were alive for 34 years each, why is everyone only focusing on our deaths? Oi! Will you lot stop being so bloody miserable, it's not like all we ever did was die! We did loads of other stuff too you know! Don't forget that! Get a bit of perspective!"

Well, writing that was kind of therapeutic for me and I'm grinning now as I sit here typing. We all die eventually, so we just have to make the best of the time we have; that doesn't mean 24 hour partying, it just means, I dunno, be excellent to each other.

PS. You get extra points for spotting the two film quotes.

Rapid Eye Movement

This is a song by the Rapid Ear Movement chaps. I have the lyrics plugin in my media player and up they popped. Have to say I smiled, so I thought I'd share them with you. First time I'd ever really noticed the lyrics, despite having bought the album in 1988. The song is called Get Up, from the album 'Green'. Anyway, I'm much better now, or at least, I'm much better at the moment. Still, here you go;

Sleep delays my life (get up, get up)
Where does time go? (get up, get up, get up)
I don't know
Sleep, sleep, sleepy head (get up, get up, get up)
Wake it up, up (get up, get up)
You've got all your life (way up ahead) (get up, get up, get up)

Dreams, they complicate my life (dreams, they complement my life)

I've seen you laying pined (get up, get up)
I've seen you laying pined (get up, get up)
Life is rough, rough (get up, get up, get up)
I've seen you laying down (get up)
With the loving kind (get up, get up)
I know life is hard, hard (where goes your time?)
Where to turn? where to turn? (get up, get up)

Dreams, they complicate my life (dreams, they complement my life)

Dreamtime

Dreams, they complicate my life (dreams, they complement my life)
This time, no escape, I wake up (get up, get up)
Get up, get up
Get up
Get up
Get up, get up, get up

Collecting

The idea for the post comes from Sunday Scribblings; (here is an idea, go scribble about it) and my instinctive reaction to the prompt 'collecting' is an awareness that it's a symptom of insecurity and an inability to trust one's own judgement, then I realised that actually, I was confusing 'collecting' with 'hoarding'. I have hoardy tendencies, but I'm getting better; (piles of business correspondence, most of which I probably don't need isn't necessarily a sign of hoarding, perhaps just a sign of not wanting to deal with such a monumentally dull task as sorting through it all).

I guess one difference between hoarding and collecting is that hoarding is a passive activity where one is afraid to throw out stuff 'just in case' one might need or regret it, whereas collecting is a much more active pursuit, almost at the other end of the scale of how comfortable we are with decisions: Collectors know exactly what they want, whilst hoarders don't have a scooby.

So I hoard, a bit, but I do collect. What do I collect? Different answers are expected, depending on one the point of view of the one asking. So...

a) The western answer

I collect coffee cups, because I like good design and good coffee.

b) The sarcastic answer

I collect dust. The only exercise I get is with my mouse hand and typing fingers. I really must get out more.

c) The Mensa answer

I collect archaic English and use it in social situations to make myself appear intelligent.

d) The Buddhist answer

I collect experiences; experiences being instances of emotional note. I think this is my favourite collection. It helps me in life and aids calm decision making.

Obscenity

When you go to the cinema the films are rated - up to 18 here if there is sex or violence or other 'subversive' behaviour, such as drug use or young people enjoying themselves. Let's just deal with the sex and violence.

It's possibly an age thing, but certainly a 'good' age thing, something I notice not because I'm old and miserable, more because I'm older, wiser and understand the world a little better, and this thing is a growing unease with our (society, Australian and US films sensors, and more importantly film makers) treatment of what is obscene and what is harmless fun. So this is pornography and clearly corrupting reasonable adults all over the world. This however, is perfectly ok and won't create and reinforce twisted values in any human being, even the most unstable and psychotically violent. So why is one of these films to be raved over by critics in family newspapers and TV shows, shown as a 'milestone' film of Deep Cultural Significance on TV and worthy of shameless marketing campaigns in full view of children, whilst the other (sex between consenting adults) will quite possibly result in arrests and court cases?

I want to see a world where men in dirty raincoats have to go get their depraved obscene films from dodgy backstreet shops, where other equally seedy men will be shuffling embarassedly through DVD titles such as 'Mission Impossible 2', 'Reservoir Dogs' and '24 Series 6'. There will be different sections depending on your fetish; handguns? Over here sir. Explosions? That'll be in softcore. Headshots? Would that be adults or children being shot in the head sir? Might I recommend this title sir, as there is a particularly satisfying drawn out scream and a beautiful shot of the blood spattering over his family. Oh the look on the children's faces!

Contrast this with the scene in HMV where kids point at the promos for the latest Dirk Diggler movie. "Daddy, when I grow up I want to be like him. He's just so COOL, and he goes round making all those pretty ladies so happy." "They're films for grownups son. Now where's the Disney section?" I wonder if in this case the quality of 'sauce' on offer would go up? Assuming it can hardly go down, once the shame factor is removed and it becomes socially acceptable to understand that, say, people have sex and it's to be celebrated and doesn't necessarily do anyone any harm,,even to the point it might be argued that it does quite the opposite, maybe some more films will come to the shelves alongside the current tiny crop of 'thinking' films with explicit sexual content. Films such as 'Romance', 'In the Realm of the Senses' and 'Y tu Mama Tambien', as opposed to lowest common denominator popcorn that gets churned out currently. There are 'pop' shots and they're really bloody corny, hence popcorn.

Well, we humans are degrading ourselves with the current state of affairs; I really feel quite ashamed. Sorry, this was just something that for some reason got my goat, although I'm not sure why today in particular. It's not something I've really articulated before, so my explanation is somewhat disjointed. What do you think? Am I on to a hiding to nothing?

Holga

I've just bought a Holga camera. Well, I've paid for it at least. It might take a week or so to arrive, and then it'll take me another couple of weeks to find 120mm film, but I'm quite excited. Seeing as my last camera had a 12x zoom, took video, stills and audio and had a billion million mega pixel things (as opposed to ordinary pixels), and this thing has a plastic lens, costs about 50p to make and scratches the film & lets light in I think I'm moving in the right direction. It's all Susannah's fault. Can't remember how I came across her blog, but it's definitely her fault.

Tears

Not the kind of tears that the desperate put in their jeans to look 'fashionable', rather the kind that fall out of our eyes when we're really sad, or really happy for that matter. Or when we're looking for sympathy and chocolate. The kind that Emperor Ming's daughter thought were a sign of humanity's 'weakness'. Well, tears are a sign of our humanity certainly, in that they are a symptom of our emotions, unless you are eating a really hot curry or you're caught in a sandstorm, in which case they're a symptom of your body trying to get crap out of your eyes.

Over the past couple of days I've been finding myself rather teary. I don't feel particularly sad or particularly happy; I think the best word to describe my emotions at the moment would be 'intense'. It seems that however I feel at the moment, I'm living the emotion viscerally and physically, so my body decides to get the tears out to help it cope; watching a footballer score a goal, listening to Bach, seeing a man in tears in a film because he misses his family. All these are giving me surges of emotion which I'm frankly not used to. It's a bit odd, so I'll try not to do it in public.

A Milestone

Or a couple, actually. Be forewarned, this is long and will involve football. Aston Villa to be specific. So how much background should I go into? Villa is a historic club; we were founded in 1874 and one of our directors had an idea to set up a football league, which came into being in 1888, which now comprises the Premiership, and all those below it. We've won loads of stuff, albeit mostly nearer the 19th century than the 21st, but things are changing.

Why is this club important to me? Well my grandad, born in 1911 I think, used to go watch Villa when he was a lad and when I was small he said to me, "So are going to support birmingham city or Aston Villa?" A question that can really have only one answer, "Er, Aston Villa Grandad?" Now that I no longer live in the city, I guess Villa is my last remaining connection, having no friends there any more. The reality is, for people like me, it's not about football, it's about where you're from, it's about roots and it's about identity.

So Villa of late, and I guess since we won the European Cup in 1982, have stagnated. Is that the best word to describe us? I guess in sport if you're not improving, you're going backwards, being overtaken by those who are. We had a chairman, Doug Ellis, who 'loved' Villa, but ran it like a 1970's corner shop crossed with a mediaeval fiefdom. For those of you who haven't worked in a place where every decision has to go through the man (it usually is a man) at the top, the key thing is that good ambitious people don't want to work there, as they have no authority to take any action without approval from the boss. Ellis was proud that he signed and approved every cheque personally, be it signing a player or buying staples. What happens in this kind of place over time is that innovation and ambition is squeezed out, as people either leave or give up, with only the yes men, the corrupt, the unambitious and the incompetent remaining. For any business this is crippling over time, but for a sports organisation, especially a Premiership football club, lack of ambition seeping onto the playing staff is catastrophic. The end result under the Ellis years was a team that regularly gained and lost managers, as each over time became unable to dam the tide of inertia (tide of inertia - I like that) creeping onto the pitch. Why give that extra mile when all those above you have no goal other than existence? We regularly drew matches we should have won, lost those we should have drawn, never beat the 'big' clubs, occasionally had a semi decent cup run and gradually fell behind in our ability to attract good players, for both financial and footballing reasons. After all, why would the best players in the world want to play for Villa, a club going nowhere, no plans to change and no fight to win anything other than season ticket receipts? The Groucho Marx Conundrum - I wouldn't want any player at my club who would want to be there.

Things were coming to a head at the end of the 05/06 season when we barely survived in the Premiership, and not only were the best players not willing to come to us, the good ones that we had inexplicably managed to hitherto keep happy for so long had had enough and wanted to leave. Mr Ellis decided that it was time to sell up, for he was, at 86, the oldest PLC chairman in the country, and the only one who was also CEO. The one thing, the one and only thing I will ever be grateful to him for is holding out and selling to a certain Mr Randy Lerner; apparently even taking less money than other people were offering, as Mr Ellis felt that our Randy had the best interests of the club at heart. And boy, does he. So I guess there is my first milestone. Someone who who has the best interests of the club at heart, the cash to back it up, about $1 billion or so, but most importantly, an understanding that he doesn't have all the answers and a desire to find the best people he possibly could to run the place. My favourite quote from him; "Own is not necessarily a verb. You can't go in and own all day. Hey, what time is it? I think I'll get down to Villa and own for an hour." We now have an excellent, intelligent, forward thinking manager who is constructing a hungry, young, talented English team, a chief exec Richard Fitzgerald who has the experience and drive to make strategic things happen and another by the name of General Charles C Krulak who talks and listens to the fans, shares what he has discussed with the board and communicates back to us. They understand that whilst Mr Lerner technically owns the club, the heartbeat is with the fans.

So, onto the most recent milestone. We beat one of the big clubs. Really, honest. Chelsea to be precise. They were league leaders, and we beat them 2-0. Both goals at the Holte End where the die hard fans have always stood or sat. And in a league where some teams at times have no English players on the pitch, we had a midfield comprised entirely of young, talented, athletic, hungry English lads. And who scored? Two who were not only English, but were from Aston and had been Villa fans all their lives. And one, Zat Knight, on his debut. Only a couple of days previously at the press conference announcing his signing, he was like a little boy saying how it had always been a dream of his to come to Villa, and he and his family were absolutely over the moon. You could tell how excited he was. And then he scored. On his debut. Against Chelsea. At the Holte End. I used to dream of that when I was a kid. That is something money just can't buy. I was in tears of joy for him, and I'm actually getting very emotional now, typing this almost a week later. So what does it mean to me and to the team that we beat one of the 'big four'? It's, well it's a milestone. We turned the corner off the pitch in the Summer of 2006. On Sunday the 2nd of September 2007 the off pitch changes of last season for me finally filtered through onto the pitch. And do you know what? We played well. Not just successfully, but it was a cracking game to watch. What football ought to be about. Running from end to end, last ditch defending, incredible skill and athleticism.

I'm so proud to be a Villa fan.

Edge

It's very easy to fall into the habit of just whinging about whatever's in my mind and washing around in my emotions, as it tends to be self obsessed, but I guess this happens when you go for days on end without speaking to anyone. Maybe I should get myself a basket ball.

So why do I write this? I came up with a concept ages ago of 'emotional memory', the key here is that I don't have one, or at least, it's very weak. What I mean by 'emotional memory' (let's just call it EM) is remembering how I felt about different things, as opposed to facts and figures, languages, things to do and so on. My problem is that I can't remember how I felt in the past, for example why it was important for me to go out and meet people, so I don't do it, then when I do go out, all the memories come flooding back and I kick myself for not going out more. It's usually at this point that I forget what it's like to not want to step outside, to not 'get' what human contact is all about. As I write I realise that although my emotions tend to exist only in the present tense, my mind, my thoughts, my intellect are often racing ahead to worry about some potential future catastrophe, meaning that I find it hard to fully relax and enjoy my 'now'. Aside from being cruelly ironic, I'm sure there's a psychologist somewhere that can explain what's going on.

So, coming back, I write this as a record of my emotional state. Unfortunately because of my poor EM, when I'm feeling good I don't feel the need to write; can't remember why, and when I'm feeling down I don't see the point, or am paralysed with indecision and a failure of courage. Occasionally when I flip the coin and it lands on the edge I actually get something down. Is this where the phrase 'on edge' comes from? So today I am on edge. No, that doesn't feel accurate.

I think I'm just really, really bored.

Dear Diary

My word, yesterday I went out! I went shopping in town, to get stuff I've been meaning to get for ages. So I finally have a new pair of shoes (last pair bought in October), shirt, a couple of books, some fabric and part of my Godson's birthday present. I got home about 8pm, feeling tired. I was in bed by 10 and asleep by half past. A friend phoned up at midday today and woke me up. By 1pm I was feeling tired, so went back to bed and slept until 6. I'm quite good at sleeping. It's now quarter to eight and I'm beginning to flag.

I think I'll be able to get more done this week - my anger shackles seem to be a little looser, so let us see what happens.

Limbo

I'm caught between continuing my routine of sleeping and sleeping, and doing something constructive. Caught, as in stuck, paralysed. And I end up getting stressed and making no decision, which means I sleep. Everyone has their own reaction to stressful thoughts, feelings and situations; some redouble their efforts, some get violent, some turn to drink. I get tired. It's an unconscious reaction. Of course, it's down to me as to how I respond to the tiredness, whether I bat it away, or let it take hold and wash over me, let myself slip into a blissful doze, free of physicality, only limited by my imagination. The most healthy and useful reaction for me naturally, is to fight and come out the other side, get on with my life, but the one time when my moral compass is off, the one time when I make really poor decisions is when I'm tired. And when I wake up (I don't just mean being awake here) I always, without exception, regret having slept so long. Why didn't I just get up? Life would have been so much easier if I'd only got out of bed and say, gone to work, or failing that, called work to say I couldn't make it. But each time I fail to do the thing that is best for me. I'm stuck in a loop.

And I like it.

Courage, Merry

I think that's what's failing me. No courage, or the tiny amount of courage I have feels so brittle that I daren't test it or use it. Every task fills me with fear and anxiety. There are calls I have to make, letters I have to post and bills I have to pay. I have a working phone, envelopes and stamps and the funds to pay the bills, but... I... just... can't. I don't want to. So angry. Why am I still on my own after all this time?

Something from Lawrence Durrell's Justine, about a man who has lost his love:

"As soon as my work was finished I locked myself in my own room and crawled into bed... ...I was afflicted by a gradually increasing numbness, a mental apathy which made me shrink from contact. Once or twice I accompanied him for a walk along the river (he was a botanist) and heard him talk lightly and brilliantly on his own subject. But for my taste the landscape, its flatness, its unresponsiveness to the seasons had gone stale. The sun seemed to have scorched up my appetite for everything - food, company and even speech. I preferred to lie in bed staring at the ceiling and listening to the noises around me."

For me it's not a lost love, but the endless, thankless, soul crushing search that is withering me.